Yoot New's and View's Page
The Yoot Cup has been Stolen!!!
On or about Jan.15th 1999, Lord Yoots Cup was stolen from the residence of
Paul Gomez. Witnesses claim they saw a shadowy figure darting by with a certain
"Silvery Shine" to it. Others claim they heard a
|I have a littoe story for ya.
I was shopping for some supreme ingredients to make some of my seasonal
superior Kang-O-Pain Chili last evening. While gathering these
ingredients, I happened by the meat department to fetch some butchered
pre-weighed animal muscle tissue. As I reached out to pick up some beef
sinew and tallow I looked up and gazed upon it! You know what it was
don|t you? It was the mistake of all mistakes. A triple dog mistake!
It was a neatly wrapped package of muscle tissue connected to a center
bone. It was BEEF SHANKS!!!!
OH NO! Not The Shanks I thought!!! I immediately
had visions of fellow
Yooter Randy |Halfshank| Gomez and his poor, pitiful affliction which he
still bears scars from even to this day. (Look at his nickname)
You all know or have seen how crippling this condition can be. If you
don|t remember go out to your local video store and rent |Tin Cup| and
watch in horror as this horrible, horrible affliction sets its sights on
poor, Kevin Costner. Its Atrocity at its most evil form!
Well, modern science still has no idea how this terrible condition
infects its victims. And a shudder rolls through my body as I think
about it. Could it be that poor fellow Yooter Randy |Halfshank| Gomez was
at the store sometime before the GNYS and gazed upon a package of Beef
Shanks? Could it be that it could inflict you by just saying its terrible
name Beef _ _ _ _ _ _. Oh my god, the possibilities are unnerving!
So my advice to all fellow Yooters. Just in case, please, please stay
away from all grocery stores in the next two weeks. We wouldn't
terrible, horrible, awful, dreadful, and down right appalling disease
setting its sights on any of our Yootful souls.
I will go this weekend out to the local links and check myself out just
in case it has afflicted me. Hopefully, hopefully I am wrong in my
thinking and its greedy little diseased eyes have looked past me! And if
it has perched its dreaded carcass upon me, God help me to quick
God Bless Yee All And Protect All Yooters In The Following Weeks!
Brad "The Champ" Gomez
For Immediate Release
Annual "Yoot" Migration Started
The locals call it "Dusty". The scientific community knows the real
answer to this phenomenon of dust and debris which starts to cloud the
sky in this tranquil northern Michigan town around this time of year.
It's the start of the annual migration of "would be Yoots" to this area
in hope of getting a glimpse of one of the real "Yoot" participants or
perhaps getting a ticket to view this momentous event. It is well known
that the real "Yooters" do come into this area to hone their skills at
the local area golf courses to get a feel for the courses they will be
playing. Even though the great tournament is still 10 days away, the town
of Gladwin, West Branch and even the surrounding smaller communities are
starting to feel the impact already. Local Smokin Joe "Jerky" Backstrap
of "Smokin Joes Jerky Shack" in Gladwin has been preparing for this
event since June. " I"ve had a crew workin sticks & six (11 hours a day,
6 on Saturday) since June. I"m ready for the onslaught! I"ve got 3000
lbs. of jerky and 6000 cases of beer in my cooler!" And according to
Smokin Joe, it"ll all be gone before the "Yoots" tee off on Sunday.
the same all over the area, the local entrepreneurs are gearing up for
the onslaught of people which bring just a staggering amount of revenue
into this local economy. Al Kohall of "Big Belly Al"s Beer Emporium" in
West Branch sums it up like this "This thang is our pie in the sky. We
literally can live the rest of the year from this event." Big Belly Al
gears up by storing 10,000 cases of beer and 8,000 lbs of jerky from
"Pooles Slaughter House" in Standish another local community which also
reaps the benefits. And let me tell you the jerky up here is the best in
the world. I can attest to that having consumed at least 5 lbs. since ive
If you're planning on coming up here any time in the next two weeks, the
colors are starting to blaze, the jerky and beer is the best in the
world, and the always friendly locals are waiting to help you. See you
Golfers Digested Reporter
Iva E. GALL
For immediate release 9-12-98. Golfers Digested Magazine.
Great Northern Yoot Shooters Ready For Showdown
After arriving in this tranquil, beautiful place that the locals call God's country, its
no wonder why these so called "Yoots" gather in this northern Michigan area
every fall for the event called the "Great Northern Yoot Shoot". It is truly a
wonderfully, heavenly place. It is a true blessing that I was chosen to cover this event
this year to bring you up to date reports on this flourishing, adventurous golf
tournament. For those of you who have not heard of this growingly popular
tournament, it is one of northern Michigan's most prestigious golf tournaments. Held in
the 1st weekend of October, the players along with
the increasingly growing gallery witnesses one of mother natures best color show's along
with some of the best golf this side of the Mississippi. The scramble format along with
some of the crazy, wildly whacky rules make this one of the most fun tournaments to play
in according to Yoot Co-founder Brad "The Champ" Gomez. "If you Have ever
experienced the euphoric feeling of a piece of beef jerky in one hand, a beer in the
other, while driving northward with the sun a shining, the colors a blazing, knowing that
the "Yoot" is about to begin you would know the feeling of "fun"!
With two weeks to go, these "Yoots" are sure getting restless knowing the
great tournament lays ahead. Yoot Chairman Paul "Da Furor" Gomez "I've been
noticing a change in all Yoots that I have visited in the last week.
They're starting that annual mental / physical change which I call
"Yootamorphosis". Their mental outlook changes, they get all happy & lose
concentration abilities for everything but golf. Their physique changes also. Muscles grow
and ripple through their golf shirts. Male "Yoots" have also reported that their
penile members also grow thick & long during this time not unlike the area's White
Tail deer growing antlers for rut". Female "Yoots" report a firming
and suppling of the breasts, ass & waistlines with also a softening of the skin.
"It's a very good time of year for all of us" says "Yoot Co-founder Kim
"I'm Back" Gomez.
Well I'm hoping I can start feeling some of these effects of being near these Great
Northern Michigan Yoot Shooters in the near future. I will be staying close by them to
update all happenings right up until the first "crack" of the ball leaves the
tee on Saturday, October 2, 1998.
Golfers Digested Reporter
Iva E. GALL
|Have any of you before seen Scott so intense, intent
& focused for the
Yoot? (sumitted by brad)
September 4th, 1998
He has been practicing diligently since July! Three times a week!
Rumors that have surfaced all over the world and internet have come to my
attention...here they are:
1. Scott has hired Richard Simmons for the weekend to "shape up" his team
2. Scott has arranged for two Gladwin Police officers to accompany their
team on the golf course to monitor behavior and alcohol consumption and
to keep both in check.
3. His team has been deeply involved in spiritual guidance reform from
the Dali Lama himself.
4. Top secret golf lessons have been in progress since last November
Tiger Woods for the whole team. (This years team lineup was known since
then. It has only been a trick to make us think that he was tryin to
build a new team.)
5. They have chartered a private Learjet to fly them in so they don't
"over tire" themselves from the drive.
6. Mr. T has been hired to make sure all teammate's are in bed by 6:00pm
and to also make sure all porno mags are confiscated at the door. The
Dali Lama taught them that Masturbating seriously reduces strength and
the next day's performance.
7. All consumables will be strictly checked by USDA officials and hired
CIA agents for bacteria and/or poisons which could seriously impair their
golf game or bodies.
8. They have hired Al G. Bra the famous math genius to keep all teams
9. They will restrict all contact to other "Yoots" during the weekend to
telephone conversations confirming their fear of infection, contact &
just plain bad breath.
10. They were not allowed to eat "beef shanks" 8 months prior to the
match just in case it did to them what it has done to fellow "Yooter"
comrade Randy Gomez!
11. They have actively participated in classes on "How to Teach The Ball
To Go Home". "go home ball.... Are you to good for your home!!!!!!
12. Have hired Playtex Engineers to secretly develop a "manly tie-back
restraint" garment so their penis's don't impede their pendulant swings.
These were so called rumors that have come to my attention which should
concern all "Yooters". If there are any more rumors out there that any of
you have heard about, please bring them to our attention.
|More & More Yoots !!
(submitted by Paul)
August 8th, 1998
The 1998 Great Northern Yoot Shoot is attracting more and more yoots day
by day. Although tee times have been arranged for a given amount of
yoots, there is still time to enter! The deadline for entering has been
set as September 17, 1998. For those "first timer Yoots" or "first
Yoots" , don't be shy, step right up and take your shot! Every yoot has
a first time. These "virgins" however, are always seen the following
year during the rutting season, and return to their yoot roots......in
If you don't have a yoot sponsor, please contact us with the following
1. Mothers maiden name.
2. Mothers breast size.
3. Name of sisters with age between 18 & 24.
4. Phone number for those sisters.
5. Preferred jerky flavor.
6. Average beer consumed in one golf round.
7. Left handed or right handed.
8. Net worth.
9. Assets available for donation to GNYS.
10. Wife's (husband's) name.
11. Will they go to the GNYS?
12. Phone number for that person, while you're away.
13. Type of golf clubs.
Please send a short summary of why you would like to participate, along
with the answers to the above questions, and you will be notified by
|The official date is now at hand!
July 16th, 1998
Though it has been an agonizing decision, the Yoot co-founders have held their annual
meeting and decided on the official date of the 1998 Great Northern Yoot Shoot. They
found no date to be good for everybody, so the decision was made to revert to
the only date the Yoot has known
First weekend in October.
Oct. 2, 1998 The Gailes in Oscoda (Practice round)
Oct. 3, 1998 West Branch Country Club
Oct. 4, 1998 Sugar Springs Country Club
I hope anyone isnt offended, and if plans cant be
changed, and you cant make it, well see you next year.
the YOOTS for the date of this year's sacred event!
|July 14, 1998
It's still over 2 months away from this years event and the email
"intimidation" has begun! It's great to see the enthusium high at such an
early time in the season. The flipside to this is the date has yet to be set for
this great weekend. Although talk from a few of the Yoot youngsters trying to have
the date changed to a different weekend OTHER THAN the 1st weekend in October has brought
about severe reprocusions in planning this year's event. When the vision came to me
from the Yoot fore-fathers in a dream, they told me NOT to change the date under any
circumstances! Doing so would bring unseasonal weather and upset among the
Co-founding Yoot, Brad Gomez speaks his mind about choosing the dates
for this year's YootShoot
"All Real Yooters know the G.N.Y. is the first week in October! God
Bless the poor bastards that fail to energize their littoe brain cells to remember this.
As paragraph 1 line 10 of the G.N.Y.S. constitution reads thou shall play thee Yoot
the first week in October. Let no factors stand in yee way. Hence weather, virginal
sacrifices, bar mitzvahs, loss of sight or limbs, matrimonial obligations, circumcisions
& loss of putter cannot be valid reasons to change or (God forbid) cancel thy
May the Yoot God wash away thee sins of those who dare miss
the Yoot & re-instate their privileges to play the following year. Thou art thee
forgive them for they have sinned.