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|Iva E. Gall is on an Ethiopian safari and will return in the
month of July. She was the only reporter to sign up for
the event where she will studying "Obese Mammals in the
Ethiopian Flats" including human specimens. We
hope it doesn't take her too long to locate her study
Between Ethiopians & Yoots
By Iva E. Gall
9 months. Isn’t it
ironic that, that is how long it’s been since the last GNYS
and how long it takes an African Big-Butted, Rainbow-assed
female Baboon to plop its baby onto the dusty, hot, god-forsaken
dirt of the Ethiopian flats. As I closely watched the newborn
baboon struggle for its own survival, I thought back to the
scene gathered around the 18th green at Little
Traverse Bay Golf Club (LTB Golf Club) and how I watched Randy
“Halfshank” Gomez struggle for his own survival almost
drowning in a drunken stupor of spittle, drooling saliva and
whiskey. As I watched the little baboon try to crawl to its
mother with the dirt clinging to its bloody membrane encrusted
body, a Cheetah that was hidden in the tall grass suddenly
jumped out and pounced on the newborn. The newborn started
shrieking a death-chilling scream as the teeth of the Cheetah
sunk into its neck and flunk the helpless baboon viciously back
and forth until body parts started flinging in every direction.
Baby Cheetahs jumped out and gobbled up the pieces like they
were Pooles beef jerky. It was a horrible sight to behold and it
was hard to sit and watch but that is life in the African
plains. The breath of life can be snatched from you at any
moment from the predators that lurk under cover. As the
“Drunken Drivers almost found out on “moving day” Saturday
last year as the predator “Bean Counters” almost snuck up
and snuffed out the last breath of the Drunken Drivers at LTB
Golf Club on the last day of the tournament.
As the little Cheetahs licked and cleaned up the remains they
played and squabbled over the last pieces of baboon unknowing
that they just had a good meal, unlike 95% of people that were
in this country. That is when an urge of hunger overcame me and
I pulled out a fresh stick of my Wild Hippo Jerky, one of many
new jerky’s that I came to this African nation to procure for
the 2002 GNYS. Brad “Crazy Louie” Gomez, GNYS Director of
Jerky Procurement contacted me and set up meetings with African
Jerky Dignitaries (AJD) to barter and procure thousands of
pounds of wild animal jerky for the upcoming GNYS. Brads list
contained some of the most prized jerky’s in the world.
Giraffe Neck Jerky
– tender, long strips of succulence.
Wild Hippo Jerky – a mellow heavy-meated jerky with a
touch of marbled texture.
Hyena Whooping Jerky – a laugh with every bite.
Ostrich Wing Jerky – delectable, melt in your mouth. No
wonder why there are no wings on these creatures.
Wildabeast Wonder – juicy and inexpensive with a slight
aroma of fresh cut grass.
Zebra Stripe Jerky – Black or white, you don’t know
what color you’ll get. But both are very delicious.
Antelope Anal-Ring Jerky – little rings of long
lasting, chewy delight.
Rhino Horn-dust Jerky – puts the “lead in yur
pencil” with a sprinkling of ground Rhino horn.
Elephant Ear Jerky
– Large pieces of thinly cut jerky. So good that you could
swear you can hear better.
I tasted and sampled the fare with my AJD counterparts, I knew
that I would not go hungry in the “Land of None”. Now if
only I had an ice cold bottle of Thunder Bay Thunder Thumper!
Lions Main Jerky – Tough, gnarly grain with a heavy
taste of pussy.
Yoots Take Top Honors At Oakland Hills
By Iva E. Gall
There is nothing that compares as you view the stark white of
the famous old clubhouse at Oakland Hills against the backdrop
of the perfectly manicured fairways and greens. As I stood
viewing the last rays of sunlight of the day on the veranda of
this “monster”, as Ben Hogan called it back in 1951, I
realized what a historical day it had been as I witnessed a
team of Yoots bring this “monster” to its knees. The team
of Yoots, which consisted of three quarters of the 4-time
champion “Holes & Poles”, Keith “Titanium” &
Shelly “King Cobra” Chene & Paul “Mr. Lucky”
Gomez, had an unexpected late replacement of Brad “Louie
Kardenko” Gomez of the 2002 GNYS heavy favorite “Ben Wa
and The Balls”. Rumor has it, Kim “Taylor Made” Gomez
had a bad wrist that came up lame after she had prepared a
batch of homemade cookies and Brad “Louie Kardenko” Gomez
was called in to top off the GNYS representative powerhouse
team, a move that would payoff in the end.
The day started with brilliant sunshine that could
blind you glaring off the white silica sand bunkers and on
their 2nd hole, the par 5 8th on the
legend South Course, the replacement move paid off big as Brad
“Louie Kardenko” put the 205 yard second shot 20 feet from
the pin setting up a fabulous eagle opportunity. Shelly
“King Cobra” almost sank the putt as the team settled for
a tap in birdie. The team played solid, steady golf and after
a great drive off the tee by Keith ”Titanium”, and a good
138 yard Uphill shot by Paul “Mr. Lucky” they racked up
their second birdie on the 11th as Brad “Louie
Kardenko” bombed one in with a long 18 foot downhill putt.
Then two holes later on the par 3 thirteenth, Keith
“Titanium” put his tee shot 6 feet from the cup. Then not
to be outdone, Brad “Louie Kardenko” knocked his high
arcing shot right and short of the cup and it bounced onto the
green and then funneled back towards the hole to within 5
feet. A slippery, downhill, left-breaking putt remained as
Shelly “King Cobra” rimmed the cup and Keith
“Titanium” tapped his, just missing the left side. Just as
Brad “Louie Kardenko” stepped up to putt, Paul “Mr.
Lucky” said, “You gotta hit it firm and take out the
break”. Visions and sounds of Scott “Pepperboy”
Bentoske’s nightmare, “You
gotta hit the ball Scott” danced through his head as he
lined up the putt. But there would be no nightmare for
“Louie Kardenko” as the putt was dead center and dropped
into the hole for their 3rd birdie. Solid play
continued for the team as a large gallery started gathering
around to watch and on the infamous 16th, where
back in 1996, Tiger Woods put two in the water on his second
shot, Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez, t-boned his drive right down
the center to within 126 yards of the green. Memories of
Tiger’s misfortune rang through their heads as each member
took their shot. But Mr. Woods’s bad luck would not be cast
upon this team as they ended up on the green 25-foot from the
hole, which resulted in a par. Then on the par 5 eighteenth,
after a booming drive into the fairway by Paul “Mr.
Lucky”, the team fielded by the GNYS seemed perched to make
eagle as they sat at the 210 yard mark for their second shot
waiting for the team to clear the green as dark storm clouds
rolled in from the west. As fate and Mother Nature would have
it though, not another shot would be taken on this day as the
sirens went off calling in all golfers as the approaching
storms bared in on them. Play was halted and then cancelled as
the storms rolled through leaving the GNYS team at a score of
3 under after 11 holes. The judges decided to take score of
the tournament after nine holes, which still left the team 3
under par, which was the leading score for the “Mixed
Team” flight. They walked away with the trophies and the one
million dollar check (See accompanying photo) and after a
solid performance at one of the worlds most difficult and
greatest golf courses, they can make every Yoot stand up and