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2002 Yoot Post

The following silly ass Yoot Posts are copy's of the actual Posts which are sent to all Yoots during the four months preceding the glorious event.

2002 Issue 1      2002 Issue 2 

2002 Issue 3      2002 Issue 4 

2002 Issue 5

These are both in Adobe format.  If you need the Adobe reader click the link below.





2002 News

Coming soon!

Iva E. Gall is on an Ethiopian safari and will return in the month of July.  She was the only reporter to sign up for the event where she will studying "Obese Mammals in the Ethiopian Flats" including human specimens.   We hope it doesn't take her too long to locate her study specimens. 

Similarities Between Ethiopians & Yoots

Ethiopia, Africa                                                                7/12/02
By Iva E. Gall


9 months. Isn’t it ironic that, that is how long it’s been since the last GNYS and how long it takes an African Big-Butted, Rainbow-assed female Baboon to plop its baby onto the dusty, hot, god-forsaken dirt of the Ethiopian flats. As I closely watched the newborn baboon struggle for its own survival, I thought back to the scene gathered around the 18th green at Little Traverse Bay Golf Club (LTB Golf Club) and how I watched Randy “Halfshank” Gomez struggle for his own survival almost drowning in a drunken stupor of spittle, drooling saliva and whiskey. As I watched the little baboon try to crawl to its mother with the dirt clinging to its bloody membrane encrusted body, a Cheetah that was hidden in the tall grass suddenly jumped out and pounced on the newborn. The newborn started shrieking a death-chilling scream as the teeth of the Cheetah sunk into its neck and flunk the helpless baboon viciously back and forth until body parts started flinging in every direction. Baby Cheetahs jumped out and gobbled up the pieces like they were Pooles beef jerky. It was a horrible sight to behold and it was hard to sit and watch but that is life in the African plains. The breath of life can be snatched from you at any moment from the predators that lurk under cover. As the “Drunken Drivers almost found out on “moving day” Saturday last year as the predator “Bean Counters” almost snuck up and snuffed out the last breath of the Drunken Drivers at LTB Golf Club on the last day of the tournament.

As the little Cheetahs licked and cleaned up the remains they played and squabbled over the last pieces of baboon unknowing that they just had a good meal, unlike 95% of people that were in this country. That is when an urge of hunger overcame me and I pulled out a fresh stick of my Wild Hippo Jerky, one of many new jerky’s that I came to this African nation to procure for the 2002 GNYS. Brad “Crazy Louie” Gomez, GNYS Director of Jerky Procurement contacted me and set up meetings with African Jerky Dignitaries (AJD) to barter and procure thousands of pounds of wild animal jerky for the upcoming GNYS. Brads list contained some of the most prized jerky’s in the world. 

Giraffe Neck Jerky – tender, long strips of succulence.

Wild Hippo Jerky – a mellow heavy-meated jerky with a touch of marbled texture.

Hyena Whooping Jerky – a laugh with every bite.

Ostrich Wing Jerky – delectable, melt in your mouth. No wonder why there are no wings on these creatures.

Wildabeast Wonder – juicy and inexpensive with a slight aroma of fresh cut grass.

Zebra Stripe Jerky – Black or white, you don’t know what color you’ll get. But both are very delicious.

Antelope Anal-Ring Jerky – little rings of long lasting, chewy delight.

Rhino Horn-dust Jerky – puts the “lead in yur pencil” with a sprinkling of ground Rhino horn.

Elephant Ear Jerky – Large pieces of thinly cut jerky. So good that you could swear you can hear better.

Lions Main Jerky – Tough, gnarly grain with a heavy taste of pussy. 

As I tasted and sampled the fare with my AJD counterparts, I knew that I would not go hungry in the “Land of None”. Now if only I had an ice cold bottle of Thunder Bay Thunder Thumper!


Yoots Take Top Honors At Oakland Hills

By Iva E. Gall
Birmingham, MI

There is nothing that compares as you view the stark white of the famous old clubhouse at Oakland Hills against the backdrop of the perfectly manicured fairways and greens. As I stood viewing the last rays of sunlight of the day on the veranda of this “monster”, as Ben Hogan called it back in 1951, I realized what a historical day it had been as I witnessed a team of Yoots bring this “monster” to its knees. The team of Yoots, which consisted of three quarters of the 4-time champion “Holes & Poles”, Keith “Titanium” & Shelly “King Cobra” Chene & Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez, had an unexpected late replacement of Brad “Louie Kardenko” Gomez of the 2002 GNYS heavy favorite “Ben Wa and The Balls”. Rumor has it, Kim “Taylor Made” Gomez had a bad wrist that came up lame after she had prepared a batch of homemade cookies and Brad “Louie Kardenko” Gomez was called in to top off the GNYS representative powerhouse team, a move that would payoff in the end.

            The day started with brilliant sunshine that could blind you glaring off the white silica sand bunkers and on their 2nd hole, the par 5 8th on the legend South Course, the replacement move paid off big as Brad “Louie Kardenko” put the 205 yard second shot 20 feet from the pin setting up a fabulous eagle opportunity. Shelly “King Cobra” almost sank the putt as the team settled for a tap in birdie. The team played solid, steady golf and after a great drive off the tee by Keith ”Titanium”, and a good 138 yard Uphill shot by Paul “Mr. Lucky” they racked up their second birdie on the 11th as Brad “Louie Kardenko” bombed one in with a long 18 foot downhill putt. Then two holes later on the par 3 thirteenth, Keith “Titanium” put his tee shot 6 feet from the cup. Then not to be outdone, Brad “Louie Kardenko” knocked his high arcing shot right and short of the cup and it bounced onto the green and then funneled back towards the hole to within 5 feet. A slippery, downhill, left-breaking putt remained as Shelly “King Cobra” rimmed the cup and Keith “Titanium” tapped his, just missing the left side. Just as Brad “Louie Kardenko” stepped up to putt, Paul “Mr. Lucky” said, “You gotta hit it firm and take out the break”. Visions and sounds of Scott “Pepperboy” Bentoske’s nightmare,  “You gotta hit the ball Scott” danced through his head as he lined up the putt. But there would be no nightmare for “Louie Kardenko” as the putt was dead center and dropped into the hole for their 3rd birdie. Solid play continued for the team as a large gallery started gathering around to watch and on the infamous 16th, where back in 1996, Tiger Woods put two in the water on his second shot, Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez, t-boned his drive right down the center to within 126 yards of the green. Memories of Tiger’s misfortune rang through their heads as each member took their shot. But Mr. Woods’s bad luck would not be cast upon this team as they ended up on the green 25-foot from the hole, which resulted in a par. Then on the par 5 eighteenth, after a booming drive into the fairway by Paul “Mr. Lucky”, the team fielded by the GNYS seemed perched to make eagle as they sat at the 210 yard mark for their second shot waiting for the team to clear the green as dark storm clouds rolled in from the west. As fate and Mother Nature would have it though, not another shot would be taken on this day as the sirens went off calling in all golfers as the approaching storms bared in on them. Play was halted and then cancelled as the storms rolled through leaving the GNYS team at a score of 3 under after 11 holes. The judges decided to take score of the tournament after nine holes, which still left the team 3 under par, which was the leading score for the “Mixed Team” flight. They walked away with the trophies and the one million dollar check (See accompanying photo) and after a solid performance at one of the worlds most difficult and greatest golf courses, they can make every Yoot stand up and be proud.

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