New's and View's Page
|July 11, 2000
The Great Northern Yoot Shoot (GNYS) preparations
began this week as the massive amounts of volunteers were called up from the ranks to
begin the torturous work which leads up to the October weekend. As you can see here,
with the continuous work on the website, that no stone will be left un-turned as the
New this year to the 2000 Yoot Shoot is the location
of the hosts outside of the Gladwin/West Branch Area. For the first time in Yoot
Shoot history, all participants will be hosted from the same location offering the ability
for Yoots to co-mingle, and experience a few "social" cocktails with each other.
The Host site chosen is Thunderbay Resort, in Hillman, Michigan. Thunderbay
will also be the Sunday venue. Elk Ridge has been chosen as the Saturday venue, and
will provide a most challenging "moving day" round.
Also in the works is the Yootwear selection committee,
which will soon be deciding on this years fashionable Yootwear. Planning/Design has
also started on the Yoot Goodies which will be given out to all participants which feature
the Yoot logo and Yoot namesake.
Most importantly, our Director of Procurement and
Weather is making spiritual connections to ensure sunny weather for the event.
If good weather is not secured for this years event, he has promised to step down
from his post, and turn in his Yoot card.
Chief Executive Yoot
August 4, 2000
Sorry that I have been so quiet
and inactive on my job as the GNYS Exclusive Reporter but I have had a
terrible accident. It happened on a warm, rainy night in June in the
Northern Michigan wilderness as I was headed up to Thunder Bay Resort to
“get a feel” of the area for our unprecedented “millennium” Yoot
Shoot. There was a slight fog rolling of the steamy pavement as the
streaks of yellow of the highway line passed by me on the left. All of a
sudden, a car with no headlights on was right in front of me crossing the
highway. I tried to avoid it and swerve but it was to late. SMASH, POW,
BANG and glass and twisted metal was strewn across the highway for 200
yards. I staggered out of the car to go check on the other driver and POW!
All I saw was stars! A car coming from the other direction plowed over me
sending me head over heels into the nearby ditch. As I lay there looking
at the beautiful stars in the sky, I heard a crunching noise right by me.
Then a sharp pain came from my upper head region. As I looked back I was
staring right in the face of a vicious menacing Badger. He was evidently
hungry because he was eating my head. In fact the varmint was so hungry he
started ripping my brain right through my ear canal. That’s the last
thing I remember. I woke up 1 month later in the hospital. The doctor says
I have made remarkable recovery considering I had 36 broken bones, � a
brain left, hemorrhaging tits, and a broken vagina. It has been only due
to the grace of the Yoot God that I am still here alive on earth. The
doctor even says that after I am fully recovered I will be able to report
this years GNYS to the millions and millions of fans across the globe. I
can’t wait to get out of this bed and get out to start my reporting. I
often have nightmarish dreams at night right after Doctor Jack Hammer
gives me my sleeping medicine. It is a ghastly reoccurring dream where a
man is on top of me and plowing me like a field over and over and over
again. Sometimes I awake and I am groggy and Dr. Hammer is giving me more
medicine. I just don’t know why he is wearing no pants. So I just fall
So soon I will be back reporting
the upcoming unprecedented “millennium” Yoot Shoot and I look forward
to seeing you all soon.
Watch out for those Badgers!
Iva E. Gall
August 29, 2000
“Sunrise Side” Starts Preparations
“2000” Great Northern Yoot Shoot
Some locals call them crazy. Some locals call them a godsend. But
all people who live near & in this Northern Michigan town know that
when the “Yoots” arrive they will bring the windfall of money &
financial success that this region has ever known since Tim Burr began the
timber and logging industry back in the late 1800’s. The big question
though still in the minds of the GNYS Board of Directors is “Does this
area have the resources to sustain & entertain such a large onslaught
of people that the GNYS generates?” This year being an anniversary date
(10 year), a millennium change, & an unprecedented “change of
venue” for the Yoot Shoot, most are expecting record crowds to pour into
this turn of the century logging town. At a local town meeting last week
the Hillman Yoot Shoot Planning Committee (HYSPC) announced that they are
on schedule for this prestigious event but that they expressed concern
over the issue of security. Many issues of security still are an issue.
Mayor Gureast Palm said “I welcome with open arms the GNYS into my town
but I am very uneasy thinking about the safety of our teenage daughters
& the young ladies of our close knit, law abiding citizens. We have
the likes of those Gomez brothers, the Drunk Drivers, The Gooseslayer,
Titanium Keith, and Da Boomer Raley which all are cult heroes and could
attract scores of screaming Yooties to their bedsides if we are not
careful! Most of these Yoots could split a teenage tail quicker than Tim
Burr could split a log in the olden days. I am very concerned.”
Most of the other HYSPC members
announced that the mayor had no reason for concern and that all of the
concerns and issues will be taken care of before that 1st
weekend in October when the whole world stops and focuses it’s attention
on this small, quaint Northern Michigan town.
I talked to Gus L. Beer owner of
the local party store and chairman of the chamber of commerce for Hilman
and he had nothing but praise and hospitality for the Yoots and the
Yooties (GNYS fans) which in less than a month will converge to this
picturesque place in the northern wilderness. “The last time I got rise
in life is when I accidentally pissed on a spark plug!” “Sheeeeet, you
can tell them Yooties to come by and see me and I’ll make sure they
leave with beer in the hand, jerky in the cheek and a smile on dere
Iva E. Gall
October 2, 2000
Yoot Migration Starts
For the 2000 Great Northern Yoot Shoot
It was just a beautiful weekend for “Yoot” spotting this past
weekend as the annual migration has begun to this golf Mecca region of
northern Michigan. Mother Nature tossed her best at us as we basked in
temperatures in the mid 70’s with an all out assault of sunshine which
only enhanced the vibrant fall color show lining the fairways of Elk Ridge
and Thunder Bay Resort.
As I took the “Press & Journalist walkthrough” with
tournament and GNYS officials over the weekend I noticed many Yooties
already at the courses hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite Yoots
that were rumored to be up to get in a practice round or two. A hoard of
500 – 600 sports Journalists participated on the walkthrough in which at
the end they were treated to the favorite staples of Yoots worldwide,
Jerky and Beer! I did talk to a few of the Yooties along the way to ask
them “What brought them up to the Hilman area a week before the GNYS
starts?” Jenny Toll-Wort said “I just can’t wait to see that cute
one Scott Bass Bentoske. I’ve been waiting all year to get my hands on
him. I’m gonna rip his shirt off his back just to see his new
piercing!” Her friend Lucy Poosie was giddy with delight as she showed
me the lacey, pink thong that she said she was going to throw to him the
first time she saw him. About 2000 other Yooties were on hand to see if
their hero’s would show up a week before to scout the courses. At one
point a car pulled in and a man that looked just like Rob “The Edge”
Roy got out of the car and was immediately pounced upon by Yooties that
nearly took his life. When the mistaken identity was realized they left
the poor man in a heap on the pavement with his clothes tattered as the
crowd dispersed looking for more Yoots.
This I think is only the start to a week that will most likely go
down in history as one of the most watched sports events ever. ESPN will
be the big benefactor of this event as 5 billion people worldwide are
expected to watch this great tournament. Another 1.5 – 2 million are
expected to attend. The “Sunrise Side” as it is called up in Northern
Michigan area is poised and ready. Mother Nature has already did her job
starting the week with just gorgeous weather. Lets see if she can be as
nice to answer all the Yoot prayers for later in the week.
Iva E. Gall
GNYS Exclusive Reporter
RE: October 2, 2000
Yoot Migration Starts
For the 2000 Great Northern Yoot Shoot
I just have a short note
to your news story. Mr.
Bass Bentoske was spotted in the metro Detroit area on Sunday at Sycamore
Hills with another Yoot, Mr. Brian “First Blood” Rambo.
They both were there to get a warm-up round in, even though they
are dreaded enemies come this weekend.
“First Blood” was sharing some of his killer instinct with the
woods, while “Bassie” (as his following calls him) threw his beloved
“Begonia” driver into his bag for the rest of the year.
It was not known at press time whether it would remain there for
the Yoot, but unnamed witnesses overheard “Bassie” tell his caddie
that his “confidence in the begonia” is at an all time low, and that
“flinging it down the fairway” was not out of the question.
A Group of Yooties did manage to suspend play for the two during
their round. One Iwa Chuass
approached “bassie” and managed to distract him long enough for
another pair to actually pull off his shirt, exposing his newly pierced
nipple to the cool breeze! As
“Bassie’s” nipple became erect from the cool air, he fell to the
ground in pain as the silver hoop shot straight in the air!
A dozen or more groupies jumped on him & pulled on the hoop
until “Bassie” passed out from the pain.
He awoke a short time later to find his nipple with a rip in it
& the nipple ring missing! First
Aid was called to the scene and play suspended while Bassie had his nipple
repaired. Bassie’s Agent,
Moe Money, asked for the culprit to return the nipple ring as it has
special deep meaning for Bassie. If
you know of it’s whereabouts, please call 1-800-TORE NIP.
Seymour Areola reporting