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1999 News

Imposter Apprehended Near GNYS Site

Gladwin, Mi

By Iva E. Gall

An Imposter imitating the Famous GNYS participant Scott "Flinger Boy" Bass was apprehended late Wednesday night by Gladwin County police. Police received a frantic 911 call in the evening Wednesday from a Sugar Springs home in which a woman told the 911 operator that she was raped by a Yoot imposter. Police summoned a vehicle to the home, searched the premises and found the suspect "loping his mule" in the woods behind the home. The frantic woman told police that she had met the man at a GNYS party she was attending, one of the many in the area celebrating the "Coming of the Yoots". This is part of the police report that was filed from the distraught woman. "I got a little tipsy and asked who I thought was that manly hunk "Flinger Boy" to come to my home for a drink. The crowd was gathered around him so I thought it was an honor that he obliged me. As soon as we walked into the front door of my home, he threw me to the floor, ripped my clothes off, and even though I never thought him to be a farmer, he started plowing me like a field from behind. Then he grabbed me to flip me over and that’s when his fake spiked hair toupee fell off onto my supple breasts. I looked up and screamed in a panic as I realized that this was not the man I thought I let into my home to do some crop rotation. He jumped up and bolted out the door and that’s when I called the police."

Jack Hammer, a 32 year old man from Ohio, was taken into custody and awaits his arraignment. Gladwin police are warning all of the residents of this area to very careful around this time of year when all of the GNYS hoopla starts and brings in the millions of fans to this area many of whom are from out of town. Police Chief Bust M. Encuffim said "We have had an early mob of Yooties (GNYS groupies) show up, even though the tournament is still two weeks away. My guess is that there are already 500,000 people awaiting the arrival of the Yoots. Their following is amazing. We will have to keep a closer look out for the Yootards (criminal Yooties) to keep up the good / safe tradition of the GNYS!"

The mayor of Gladwin Paul M. Greaser wants to remind all people that if you haven’t already purchased your GNYS gallery passes, that time is running out. "Out of the 2,450,000 available passes, only about 50 remain. This event gets bigger every year! I’m just "Yooty" about it!"

Until next week, this is Iva E. Gall reporting.

Local Merchants Await GNYS

West Branch, MI
By Iva E. Gall

As the annual Yoot migration is a short three weeks away, local merchants in this area are gearing up for the onslaught of the projected 1.2 million people that will attend this years prestigious event. Local hotels, eateries, convenience stores, jerky suppliers, beer distributors & even the local "cat" house are all stockpiling their goods to be sure they all get their piece of the money pie that this event generates each year. It is estimated that the GNYS will bring in approximately 150 million dollars into this areas economy and that my friend adds up to a lot of beer & beef jerky!

It is a well known fact that the "Yooties" as they have become to be called are huge consumers of beer & beef jerky. Poole’s Slaughter House in Standish has been the supplier of 98% of this jerky that is consumed at the GNYS. According to Mr. Poole who has supplied jerky to this event for the last 10 years, this has been his busiest year so far as he has been working 3 shifts since early July to get the nearly 2 million pounds of jerky ready for this years event. "We came up a little short on stock last year, & it ain’t gonna happen this year. I personally hand pulled out the guts, beheaded, de-hooved, and cut the tongue outta the extra 250 cows we needed this year. Shit, I didn’t even spare Elsie, my daughters pet cow. I just told her that she should be proud to see the happy expression on the "Yooties" faces as they bite down on that first mouth waterin piece of Elsie!"

To wash all of that jerky down of course, the beer distributors have their warehouses stocked to capacity. An equivalent of 10 million barrels of beer will be drunk by the jerky eatin, golf craving "Yooties" in the 4 days covering the GNYS weekend.

In an unprecedented move this week, the Michigan DNR has issued mandatory "Mandatory Gas Mask (MGM) & a "No Fires" alert for the area’s just south / southeast of each golf course for the entire weekend. It seems there is very much concern for the safety of all the hunters who will be in the woods adjacent to the golf courses over the weekend. Last year if don’t remember, 27 hunters were found dead with broken necks laying below their tree stands. It was found out later that a noxious cloud of jerky, beer methane gas from the huge crowd drifted to the downwind hunters causing them to become disoriented and fall out of their tree stands to their death. Seven others were found against a tree, charred beyond recognition, in a frozen position where they were lighting their cigarettes. Medical examiners could only deduct that the methane cloud ignited around them as they lit their cigarettes. So, for the concern this year they have issued the above alerts and warnings.

Until next week, this is Iva E. Gall reporting.

Yoots Spotted In The North

Aug. 24th 1999
Gladwin, MI
By Iva E. Gall

Its only the 3rd week of August and already reports are flooding in from this mid-Michigan town that a roving band of Bedouin Yoots were here this past weekend getting in a practice round for the 1999 GNYS. It seems GNYS groupies and fans spotted the group of Yoots in numerous places around this area. It is about this time of year when the Yooties (Yoot Groupies) start camping out at the local favorite golf establishments and hangouts to catch a glimpse of their favorite Yoot hero’s. Ima MoonPie saw her favorite Yoot hero "Randy Half-Shank Gomez" and many other of her favorite Yoots at the Tamaracks Golf Course on Saturday. "Heth’s dust a hunk! I with he wazth mine! Thith ith just tho exthiting!"

Tamarack golf pro Sam Mackitlong also confirmed that 2 foursomes went out in the late morning for a practice round. "Its really hard to keep the lids on something like this. "Brad Hooker Gomez" called early in the week to reserve 2 tee times for a practice round. Before long the phones were ringing off the hook with people trying to get on the course with the famous Yoots. Its like they (Yooties) have my phone tapped or something. Its crazy!"

The Yoots when they arrived at the course had to fight there way through a screaming crowd of about 9000 Yooties. Some held banners that read "Yoots We Love You! And "Yoots, Will You Father My Baby?" Some held more personal banners like "Half-Shank, You can put your balls in my hole", Brad, I’ll be your Hooker Anyday!, "Dr. Smokey’s Parked his Fleetwood in My House!, & "I’d like to put Shelly on my Topshelf and Kim On her Back ". Most kept under control but some Yooties just couldn’t hold back. They stripped off their panties and g-strings and threw them at the Yoots as they ran from the crowd. It’s a wonder the Yoots made it out on the course alive.

Official reports from Sam Mackitlong confirmed that Brad "Hooker" Gomez, Jimmy "Tazbob" Caruso, Randy "Halfshank" Gomez, and a new Yootcomer Kim challenged the Powerful 1998 Yoot Champions Holes & Poles in a practice match. It was a tough, close match but the Champions held off the challengers and beat them by one stroke. Final Score Holes & Poles –2, Challengers –1.

Until next week, this is Iva E. Gall reporting.

The Big Weekend Draws Closer

Aug, 18th 1999
West Branch, MI
By Iva E. Gall

It is a mere 6 weeks until this quaint Northern Michigan golf course will experience its first GNYS in 6 years. A lot has changed in those 6 years. The West Branch C.C. has went through some masterful changes and of course the GNYS has become the behemoth tournament of each year rivaled only by "The Masters" which the PGA tour visits.

Built and financed on the oil field proceeds beneath its well groomed fairways and greens, this course is already starting to take on its tournament glow and conditioning. Greens keeper Dr. Nomoles Here is a very meticulous and proud caretaker of "his course" and it shows. The unlimited budget brought in by the "black gold" pumping from its 7 oil wells gives Dr. Nomoles Here the tools he needs to get this course in tip top shape by October 1st. In 1993 when the then "Rag-Tag" GNYS visited this course, it was in a condition of disarray. There was a major mole problem where players could lose their shots into very large mole holes. It was then that the owners of the course hired Dr. Nomoles Here to take over care of the course. It has paid off big. When this years field of GNYS participants flood in from all over the world into "Gods Country" they will find a great course in the best shape and they can thank the tedious efforts of Dr. Nomoles Here. "There is still a lot of work to be done" said Dr. Here. "The grandstands are only starting to be erected. Paths for the large gallery, corporate tents, bathroom facilities etc. all have to be completed."

The town of West Branch itself is also beginning its preparations for the onslaught of fans, media & players which will begin in about 5 weeks. Local merchants, hotels & service facilities have begun gearing up to cater to the thousands of people expected for this enormous event. Rumors have surfaced of actually how big this event has become. The rumor is that it has now eclipsed the gross income of the PGA "Masters" tournament held annually in Augusta, Georgia. Only at the final tally a week after the GNYS will we know if this true.

Until next week, this is Iva E. Gall reporting.


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