August 4, 2000

Hello all Yoots,

            Sorry that I have been so quiet and inactive on my job as the GNYS Exclusive Reporter but I have had a terrible accident. It happened on a warm, rainy night in June in the Northern Michigan wilderness as I was headed up to Thunder Bay Resort to “get a feel” of the area for our unprecedented “millennium” Yoot Shoot. There was a slight fog rolling of the steamy pavement as the streaks of yellow of the highway line passed by me on the left. All of a sudden, a car with no headlights on was right in front of me crossing the highway. I tried to avoid it and swerve but it was to late. SMASH, POW, BANG and glass and twisted metal was strewn across the highway for 200 yards. I staggered out of the car to go check on the other driver and POW! All I saw was stars! A car coming from the other direction plowed over me sending me head over heels into the nearby ditch. As I lay there looking at the beautiful stars in the sky, I heard a crunching noise right by me. Then a sharp pain came from my upper head region. As I looked back I was staring right in the face of a vicious menacing Badger. He was evidently hungry because he was eating my head. In fact the varmint was so hungry he started ripping my brain right through my ear canal. That’s the last thing I remember. I woke up 1 month later in the hospital. The doctor says I have made remarkable recovery considering I had 36 broken bones, � a brain left, hemorrhaging tits, and a broken vagina. It has been only due to the grace of the Yoot God that I am still here alive on earth. The doctor even says that after I am fully recovered I will be able to report this years GNYS to the millions and millions of fans across the globe. I can’t wait to get out of this bed and get out to start my reporting. I often have nightmarish dreams at night right after Doctor Jack Hammer gives me my sleeping medicine. It is a ghastly reoccurring dream where a man is on top of me and plowing me like a field over and over and over again. Sometimes I awake and I am groggy and Dr. Hammer is giving me more medicine. I just don’t know why he is wearing no pants. So I just fall back asleep.

            So soon I will be back reporting the upcoming unprecedented “millennium” Yoot Shoot and I look forward to seeing you all soon.

PS Watch out for those Badgers!

  Iva E. Gall

GNYS Exclusive Reporter

August 29, 2000

The “Sunrise Side” Starts Preparations  
For “2000” Great Northern Yoot Shoot

Iva E. Gall

Hillman, Michigan

            Some locals call them crazy. Some locals call them a godsend. But all people who live near & in this Northern Michigan town know that when the “Yoots” arrive they will bring the windfall of money & financial success that this region has ever known since Tim Burr began the timber and logging industry back in the late 1800’s. The big question though still in the minds of the GNYS Board of Directors is “Does this area have the resources to sustain & entertain such a large onslaught of people that the GNYS generates?” This year being an anniversary date (10 year), a millennium change, & an unprecedented “change of venue” for the Yoot Shoot, most are expecting record crowds to pour into this turn of the century logging town. At a local town meeting last week the Hillman Yoot Shoot Planning Committee (HYSPC) announced that they are on schedule for this prestigious event but that they expressed concern over the issue of security. Many issues of security still are an issue. Mayor Gureast Palm said “I welcome with open arms the GNYS into my town but I am very uneasy thinking about the safety of our teenage daughters & the young ladies of our close knit, law abiding citizens. We have the likes of those Gomez brothers, the Drunk Drivers, The Gooseslayer, Titanium Keith, and Da Boomer Raley which all are cult heroes and could attract scores of screaming Yooties to their bedsides if we are not careful! Most of these Yoots could split a teenage tail quicker than Tim Burr could split a log in the olden days. I am very concerned.”

            Most of the other HYSPC members announced that the mayor had no reason for concern and that all of the concerns and issues will be taken care of before that 1^st weekend in October when the whole world stops and focuses it’s attention on this small, quaint Northern Michigan town.

            I talked to Gus L. Beer owner of the local party store and chairman of the chamber of commerce for Hilman and he had nothing but praise and hospitality for the Yoots and the Yooties (GNYS fans) which in less than a month will converge to this picturesque place in the northern wilderness. “The last time I got rise in life is when I accidentally pissed on a spark plug!” “Sheeeeet, you can tell them Yooties to come by and see me and I’ll make sure they leave with beer in the hand, jerky in the cheek and a smile on dere face.”

Iva E. Gall

GNYS Exclusive Reporter

October 2, 2000

Annual Yoot Migration Starts
For the 2000 Great Northern Yoot Shoot

Hilman, Michigan

            It was just a beautiful weekend for “Yoot” spotting this past weekend as the annual migration has begun to this golf Mecca region of northern Michigan. Mother Nature tossed her best at us as we basked in temperatures in the mid 70’s with an all out assault of sunshine which only enhanced the vibrant fall color show lining the fairways of Elk Ridge and Thunder Bay Resort.

            As I took the “Press & Journalist walkthrough” with tournament and GNYS officials over the weekend I noticed many Yooties already at the courses hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite Yoots that were rumored to be up to get in a practice round or two. A hoard of 500 – 600 sports Journalists participated on the walkthrough in which at the end they were treated to the favorite staples of Yoots worldwide, Jerky and Beer! I did talk to a few of the Yooties along the way to ask them “What brought them up to the Hilman area a week before the GNYS starts?” Jenny Toll-Wort said “I just can’t wait to see that cute one Scott Bass Bentoske. I’ve been waiting all year to get my hands on him. I’m gonna rip his shirt off his back just to see his new piercing!” Her friend Lucy Poosie was giddy with delight as she showed me the lacey, pink thong that she said she was going to throw to him the first time she saw him. About 2000 other Yooties were on hand to see if their hero’s would show up a week before to scout the courses. At one point a car pulled in and a man that looked just like Rob “The Edge” Roy got out of the car and was immediately pounced upon by Yooties that nearly took his life. When the mistaken identity was realized they left the poor man in a heap on the pavement with his clothes tattered as the crowd dispersed looking for more Yoots.

            This I think is only the start to a week that will most likely go down in history as one of the most watched sports events ever. ESPN will be the big benefactor of this event as 5 billion people worldwide are expected to watch this great tournament. Another 1.5 – 2 million are expected to attend. The “Sunrise Side” as it is called up in Northern Michigan area is poised and ready. Mother Nature has already did her job starting the week with just gorgeous weather. Lets see if she can be as nice to answer all the Yoot prayers for later in the week.

Iva E. Gall

RE: October 2, 2000 
Annual Yoot Migration Starts
For the 2000 Great Northern Yoot Shoot  

Thank-you Iva!

I just have a short note to your news story.  Mr. Scott Bass Bentoske was spotted in the metro Detroit area on Sunday at Sycamore Hills with another Yoot, Mr. Brian “First Blood” Rambo.  They both were there to get a warm-up round in, even though they are dreaded enemies come this weekend.  “First Blood” was sharing some of his killer instinct with the woods, while “Bassie” (as his following calls him) threw his beloved “Begonia” driver into his bag for the rest of the year.  It was not known at press time whether it would remain there for the Yoot, but unnamed witnesses overheard “Bassie” tell his caddie that his “confidence in the begonia” is at an all time low, and that “flinging it down the fairway” was not out of the question.  A Group of Yooties did manage to suspend play for the two during their round.  One Iwa Chuass approached “bassie” and managed to distract him long enough for another pair to actually pull off his shirt, exposing his newly pierced nipple to the cool breeze!  As “Bassie’s” nipple became erect from the cool air, he fell to the ground in pain as the silver hoop shot straight in the air!  A dozen or more groupies jumped on him & pulled on the hoop until “Bassie” passed out from the pain.  He awoke a short time later to find his nipple with a rip in it & the nipple ring missing!  First Aid was called to the scene and play suspended while Bassie had his nipple repaired.  Bassie’s Agent, Moe Money, asked for the culprit to return the nipple ring as it has special deep meaning for Bassie.  If you know of it’s whereabouts, please call 1-800-TORE NIP.

Seymour Areola reporting
National Enquirer