Springs Area / Emmet County
2001 Great Northern Yoot Shoot
By Iva E. Gall
Emmet County Michigan
it’s hard to believe, but that time of year is almost upon us again. The
planning and work to bring the 2001 GNYS golf tournament to this
picturesque town in the northern reaches of the lower peninsula of
Michigan is in full swing. Early planning started in February even before
“Gordie the Groundhog” even thought about showing his tail to forecast
when spring would arrive in these parts of the state.
awoke to a call on my “Green phone” which is the hotline straight to
the GNYS boardroom late one night in early February. I was summoned to
immediately rush to the home of GNYS CEO Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez. Upon
arriving, as I reached to knock on the door, the door rushed open and
there stood Paul’s beautiful wife Kim “Taylor Made” Gomez tightly
grasping a candle with the dim flicker of light dancing across her soft
facial features and gently caressing her supple breasts through her white
teddy that she was wearing. “They’re in the “19th Hole
Room”, down the stairs to the left” she whispered as she shut the door
behind me. I quietly tiptoed down the stairs where I came upon a dimly lit
room with the aroma of cigar smoke and freshly cut turf. I walked slowly
in the room and was amazed to notice that the floor was actually a soft
freshly mowed green. Through the bluish haze of fog I noticed that there
were 3 golf carts with what I could make out was the outlines of 6
individuals. I stepped in closer and I could now recognize the individuals
as the GNYS Board. In one cart was Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez and Keith
“Titanium” Chene. In another cart was Randy “Halfshank” Gomez and
Scott “Bass” Bentoske. In the last cart was Brad “Louie Kardanko”
Gomez and Rick “Shag Me Rotten” Rots. “We’ve come to a
decision” they all said at once as I noticed that they were all sweaty
and very tired looking all draped over their individual golf
carts. “The GNYS will be awarded to ……………..
silence fell over the group ……………………………………..
The Hidden River Golf & Casting Club and Little Traverse Bay Golf
that was back in February and as I vacation and scout out this area with
my very well endowed husband Hugh Gottalotta Gall, I am quickly realizing
why this area was chosen as the 2001 GNYS host. It’s just damn
beautiful. Almost as beautiful as my husbands engorged, gigantic Kroger as
he plows me from behind like John Deere as I frantically move my hips up
& down trying to but his balls in the cup. I just hope that the Emmet
County officials can handle the pressures of the biggest GNYS field ever
assembled and the onslaught of participants and fans alike. As we all
know, the Thunder Bay area, host to last years GNYS, still has not fully
recovered from the mayhem that accommodates the 1.5 million fanatic fans
that poured into this region to support their loving Yoot’s. The toll is
still rising and here is a list of just some of the havoc that was wreaked
upon this area.
A new support group was formed “Mothers of the Rampaged Daughters
of the GNYS” (MRDG) to help
care for the 25,000 babies that were born 9 months after the tournament
was held and to “mentally help” the mothers whose daughters were
“deflowered” during the tournament.
Fairway #1 at Thunder Bay Golf Club had to be totally restructured
due to the tracks left by an Unidentified Driving Object or an UDO.
Massive medical surgery restrictions were placed in northern lower
Michigan due to the fact that there was 0% of alcohol for sterilization
left in the region after the tournament.
Not one cattle was left standing in the pastures in this area after
the fans got the taste of the best beef jerky they ever tasted.
12 great lakes freighters sank in Lake Michigan before they were to
dock to unload the 60 million tons of barley and hops used to make the
beer needed to quench the thirst of the Yooties. 480 great lakes shippers
lost their lives.
Lake Huron nearly went “dry” supplying water to make the beer.
The Scott Bass Memorial Institution was erected to house the all
the girls in the area who had mental breakdowns due to a strange illness
whose symptoms included “frequently missing work for no reason, getting
drunk beyond recognition, the urge to go boating, and a sudden dialect
change screaming the words “dude”, “I dunno mama” and “Rock the
A large (98%) increase in “Moonpies” were born 9 months after
80% of the golfing population in northern Michigan was temporarily
afflicted with a strange “halfshank” golf swing.
A ghostly apparition of a marching band was nightly disrupting the
nighttime silence for a period of 6 months after the tournament. Locals
who swear they saw this band said that the bass drum had the words of
“The Bobby Jones Memorial Moonpie Marching Band” written across its
I gaze across this land I call God’s Country, I pray and hope that this
region will be spared the devastation of last year to uphold the great
golfing tradition of the Great Northern Yoot Shoot.