Yoot Trouser Trout
By Kevin "Aircraft" Carrier

10/4/01

’I've surveyed the northern regions over the past weekend looking to see if the “Allusive Awesome Autumn Yoot Weather” was anywhere to be found.  I found it hiding on a Trout Stream in Grayling.  I attempted to keep it around for another week by performing an impromptu aboriginal ritualistic dance in it’s honor.  In the gentle rippling of the ICY COLD Trout Stream, with no regards to my own personal safety, I savagely ripped every layer of clothing on my body off.  From my Neoprene Waders to my German made Wool lined Thinsulate underwear ( AKA holdsthemstopsthemfromfloppen ).  

As I danced wildly in the ICY COLD Trout Stream, I utilized the various pieces of Fishing Equipment with me as erotic toys to seduce the Beautiful Creature. At the peak of my performance, with no forewarning, the pole that I had in my hand (the one in my right hand that is) started jerking feverishly (the one in my right hand that is) I lost all focus of my responsibilities to my fellow Yoots and started reeling my pole (the one in my right hand that is).  I was catching one of the biggest trout of my life.  

I reeled and reeled and worked that fish for what seemed an eternity, never losing my foothold on the mucky bottom.  Suddenly I realized, my legs were buried to the knee in a thick muck that pulled me lower and lower and would not release me. ICY COLD water was rising up past my thighs as I’m standing there buck naked. The Fish on my line entangles me with my own line when SUDDENLY, another fish engulfs my Worm.  I was certain that this was going to be my ending, at the peak of my life with everything left to live for and the Yoot Shoot only a week away.   

But alas I was rescued from what surely would have generated an ugly obituary.  A Girl’s College Canoe team were making a trip down the Manistee river, before the weather got bad, when they came upon me.  Well needless to say, they had never expected to come across a naked man standing in the river.  Especially a man with such a huge Trout hanging between his Legs.

Osama Bin Ladin You Don’t Scare Us Yoot’s

9/21/01
Petoskey, Michigan
By Iva E. Gall

Mr. Camel Ass (Ladin),

            You thought that the cowardly act that you carried out on the American people would change us. It did. But, I’m sure for many reasons that you were not thinking about. You see we are not an ignorant people. You may have hurt us but the only thing that has changed is how we feel about you and what we must do about you. You will never be able to do this again. You will now be always running for your life. That cave you call home, we know where it is. So put on your sandals made from camel’s ass & Firestone tires and run. Run. Run Osama Run.

But it won’t help.

Because we will never stop running behind you until your followers are picking up all your pieces or what is left of you and then they join the same fate. Then and only then will the world be a better place. We don’t need you and your cronies. So go on to your Allah land with a missile up your ass.

I’ve sat here thinking of what makes you so different from us great Americans and why you are the way you are. So many things come to mind that I had to make a list. 

1. You are a dick and we are cool.
2. You have a scraggly beard full of mites and lice that make you look like a dick and we have cool looking goatees and clean-shaven faces.
3. You wear your bath towel on your head and we hang ours on a towel rack.
4. You squat over a dusty, clump of dirt you call home and we squat over a dusty clump of dirt when we want to take a shit.
5. You wear dresses. We think you’re a transvestite.
6. You wear your pajamas so you can go nittie-night forever. We wear cool suits, shirts and jeans.
7. You smell like urine, sweat and cumin so you can mingle with the camels. We put on cologne and perfumes so the babes rub their boobies on us.
8. You eat bugs, scorpions and camels ass. We eat lobster and fillet mignon at fancy restaurants.
9. You talk like in broken English like you have a dick in your mouth. We smile cuz you have our dicks in your mouth.
10. You have a camel toe (pussy) between your legs. We have a large American Kroger.
11. You live in a comfy cave and piss on the dirt floor. We watch you on our TV’s, eating popcorn from our comfy lounge chair and think you’re a dick.
12.  The look of your followers in dresses and hairy assed goats make you horny. We have beautiful women to make us horny.
13. You make your women wear veils on their faces because they are ugly. We wear our women on our faces because they are beautiful.
14. You smoke dried up camel shit to relax. We smoke Macanudo’s, Cohibas, and Fuentes.
15. You like to live in a place that is hot and dry and you think you will go to a better place for committing these terrible acts. We think you could be in no better place when you get in Hell.
16. You like blowing your followers and relatives. We like to blow up your followers and relatives.
17. You buy Firestone tires to make your sandals. We would give them to you for free.
18. You hold a gun like your gay and squat like your shitting when you fire it. We think you are gay and you did shit your dress when you fired it.
19. You think you are next in line to become king in some religious kingdom.  We think you were born from a camel’s ass and you eat King Dons.
20. You think beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. We think it would be cool for our military to be holding your eyes.
21. You think it would be fun to play in the Yootshoot. We don’t allow camels on the course and we also think it would be pretty hard to play with 60 drivers stabbed and crushed through your body.
22. You wish bad things against Americans and all the while your smiling. We think you have no teeth and look like a dick when you smile.
23. You think you should hide and run so nobody knows where you are. We think you need to run and hide so nobody can find you.
24. You think it looks cool when you beat yourself about the head, chest and neck area with flailing arms. We think it looks cool when WE beat you about the head, chest and neck area with clubs and baseball bats.
25. You are a dick, and we are cool.

Harbor Springs Area / Emmet County
To Host
2001 Great Northern Yoot Shoot

By Iva E. Gall
Emmet County Michigan
8/22/01

            Yes, it’s hard to believe, but that time of year is almost upon us again. The planning and work to bring the 2001 GNYS golf tournament to this picturesque town in the northern reaches of the lower peninsula of Michigan is in full swing. Early planning started in February even before “Gordie the Groundhog” even thought about showing his tail to forecast when spring would arrive in these parts of the state.

I awoke to a call on my “Green phone” which is the hotline straight to the GNYS boardroom late one night in early February. I was summoned to immediately rush to the home of GNYS CEO Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez. Upon arriving, as I reached to knock on the door, the door rushed open and there stood Paul’s beautiful wife Kim “Taylor Made” Gomez tightly grasping a candle with the dim flicker of light dancing across her soft facial features and gently caressing her supple breasts through her white teddy that she was wearing. “They’re in the “19^th Hole Room”, down the stairs to the left” she whispered as she shut the door behind me. I quietly tiptoed down the stairs where I came upon a dimly lit room with the aroma of cigar smoke and freshly cut turf. I walked slowly in the room and was amazed to notice that the floor was actually a soft freshly mowed green. Through the bluish haze of fog I noticed that there were 3 golf carts with what I could make out was the outlines of 6 individuals. I stepped in closer and I could now recognize the individuals as the GNYS Board. In one cart was Paul “Mr. Lucky” Gomez and Keith “Titanium” Chene. In another cart was Randy “Halfshank” Gomez and Scott “Bass” Bentoske. In the last cart was Brad “Louie Kardanko” Gomez and Rick “Shag Me Rotten” Rots.  “We’ve come to a decision” they all said at once as I noticed that they were all sweaty and very tired looking all draped over their individual golf carts.   “The GNYS will be awarded to …………….. silence fell over the group …………………………………….. The Hidden River Golf & Casting Club and Little Traverse Bay Golf Club.”  

            Well, that was back in February and as I vacation and scout out this area with my very well endowed husband Hugh Gottalotta Gall, I am quickly realizing why this area was chosen as the 2001 GNYS host. It’s just damn beautiful. Almost as beautiful as my husbands engorged, gigantic Kroger as he plows me from behind like John Deere as I frantically move my hips up & down trying to but his balls in the cup. I just hope that the Emmet County officials can handle the pressures of the biggest GNYS field ever assembled and the onslaught of participants and fans alike. As we all know, the Thunder Bay area, host to last years GNYS, still has not fully recovered from the mayhem that accommodates the 1.5 million fanatic fans that poured into this region to support their loving Yoot’s. The toll is still rising and here is a list of just some of the havoc that was wreaked upon this area.

1.      A new support group was formed “Mothers of the Rampaged Daughters of the GNYS” (MRDG)  to help care for the 25,000 babies that were born 9 months after the tournament was held and to “mentally help” the mothers whose daughters were “deflowered” during the tournament.

2.      Fairway #1 at Thunder Bay Golf Club had to be totally restructured due to the tracks left by an Unidentified Driving Object or an UDO.

3.      Massive medical surgery restrictions were placed in northern lower Michigan due to the fact that there was 0% of alcohol for sterilization left in the region after the tournament.

4.      Not one cattle was left standing in the pastures in this area after the fans got the taste of the best beef jerky they ever tasted.

5.      12 great lakes freighters sank in Lake Michigan before they were to dock to unload the 60 million tons of barley and hops used to make the beer needed to quench the thirst of the Yooties. 480 great lakes shippers lost their lives.

6.      Lake Huron nearly went “dry” supplying water to make the beer.

7.      The Scott Bass Memorial Institution was erected to house the all the girls in the area who had mental breakdowns due to a strange illness whose symptoms included “frequently missing work for no reason, getting drunk beyond recognition, the urge to go boating, and a sudden dialect change screaming the words “dude”, “I dunno mama” and “Rock the House”.

8.      A large (98%) increase in “Moonpies” were born 9 months after the tournament.

9.      80% of the golfing population in northern Michigan was temporarily afflicted with a strange “halfshank” golf swing.

10. A ghostly apparition of a marching band was nightly disrupting the nighttime silence for a period of 6 months after the tournament. Locals who swear they saw this band said that the bass drum had the words of “The Bobby Jones Memorial Moonpie Marching Band” written across its side.

As I gaze across this land I call God’s Country, I pray and hope that this region will be spared the devastation of last year to uphold the great golfing tradition of the Great Northern Yoot Shoot.

Best Regards,

Paul "Mr. Lucky" Gomez
Yoot CEO